I haven’t posted anything on my blog in so long that I have almost forgotten how to! Not only that, but sex and relationship work has taken a back seat to my current career pursuits – completing a PG Dip in cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) in London. I currently work only with anxiety and mood disorders, like depression and phobias, and there’s no sex at all. And I miss it so much. I had grand plans to post something once a month since I moved here but unfortunately the course and work load was far greater than I had anticipated and so everything sex has totally fallen away… for now. A long time ago, a special girl asked me to write about topic, and now, with 6 months left of my job, I finally have time to dedicate to my blog.
Not everyone is bold and confident in the bedroom, and feeling shy is not uncommon. Many women rely on their partner to take the lead in bed as they might not be confident, they might feel self-conscious or they may simply be quite shy. With that in mind, here are some simple sex tips to improve your sexual experience:
- Do what makes you feel sexy
In order to feel sexier, a lot of women report that they need to be dressed to the nines, be wearing heels or their laciest lingerie, have a hot bubble bath or a glass of wine, or lighting candles and listening to some great music. Whatever you do to make yourself feel sexy, make sure it’s something you can access whenever you need to. Feeling sexier will mean feeling more confident. If you’re not sure what makes you feel sexy, experiment with things such as outfits or underwear and see what works best for you. When you get to the deed with your partner, focus on things that make you feel more wanted and sexier too – kissing, touching, whatever works for you.
- Think about sex more
Thinking about sex and fantasizing is such a normal and healthy part of our sexuality, yet many women tell me they think that it’s wrong to think about something or someone else. Thinking about sex is actually so normal and something that almost everyone does – even if they won’t admit it. It’s not likely that reading this post will turn a shy girl into a wild sexual woman, but that’s where fantasy can really help you pretend to be one. It can often be hard to tell your partner what you want, so thinking about it can really enhance your sexual experience. Our brain is our biggest sex organ after all. And if you’re getting more turned on, you’re partner is going to take this as a sign that things are going really well.
- It’s not about what you’re saying, but how you say it
This principle applies both to your own pleasure and your partner’s. During the throws of passion, we all experience pleasure differently… So, not comparing yourself to other women or your partner’s previous lovers is a great start to figuring out what works for you both. When something feels good during sex, indicate this to your partner. Tell me it feels good, don’t stop and you need more. If something doesn’t feel good, be sensitive about how you tell them. “No stop it!” is not going to make them feel very good about the experience. Rather try, “that feels nice, but it turns me on even more when you…” Most people say that being guided by their partner is really sexy as they then feel they’re really pushing all the right pleasure buttons. However, don’t ask too much! Constant reassurance seeking is a mood-killer. Which leads me to my next point…
- Be enthusiastic – both verbally and non-verbally
Unfortunately, movies and porn would have us believe that all women scream loudly during sex. They don’t; but we are louder than our male counterparts. However, lying dead still and quiet is not going to equal ‘great sex’. If you’re partner’s doing something you don’t like, refer to point 3. If they are, indicate this to them by moaning, saying it or using your body to show it. The same goes for understanding your partner’s experience. You can generally tell if someone is enjoying it without them having to say it by the noises they make and their body language. Just remember that men are quieter than women; so he’s not necessarily going to make noises to indicate pleasure. Heavy breathing, body movements and wondering hands might all be a sign that they’re having a great time.
- Focus on how it feels rather than what you’re doing
The biggest problem people have – and one of the reasons I am in business – is because people are so focused on an ‘end-goal’ and ticking off the boxes during sex. “Want sex, get turned on, come…” What about the pleasure and excitement before, during and after? So many couples make sex about the destination, but you really need to focus on the journey. So, stop focusing on what could happen or might go wrong, and start focusing on you and what you feel!
- Buy a book or use something from your cupboard
Why not buy a book that really details a lot about sex. I’d highly recommend “The Sex Bible” by Dr Laura Berman. It’s really a great, ‘unscary’ sex book that details everything from anatomy to fantasy to sex positions. Plus, having a book like this in your drawer is actually a great conversation starter for you and your partner. You could peruse the book together and use it as part of your foreplay. Using a scarf or tie as a blindfold is also very sexy for a lot of people, and really means they have to focus on what they hear, taste and feel. If you’re shy, it also means that you can relax a bit since they cannot actually see you!
- Start with yourself
When it comes to increasing your sexual prowess, you need to learn to love yourself – psychologically and sexually. If you don’t feel too good about your body image or have low self-esteem, this will most likely impact your sexual experience. Spend time working on loving yourself as you are and knowing that every single women is different and beautiful. Sexually, many women are uncomfortable naked and don’t like the ‘look’ of their genitals. Again, every single woman is different and there is no ‘perfect’ look. Learning to be comfortable in your skin is the start of being more sexually confident. Then, learning what works for you sexually is imperative. How can you tell your partner what feels good if you haven’t experimented yourself? For a woman, sexual response is not automatic as it is for the majority of men. So learn to touch your body and find out what feels good for you and what doesn’t.