More often than not, you’ll over hear women saying to each other “I just don’t get him,” or perhaps you’ve heard a man say “she always wants to cuddle and I just want to sleep!” Either way, when it comes to understanding the differences between the sexes, it seems like a constant guessing game to most people – especially when it comes to sex and relationships. So I thought it would be a good start to the month of love to try and understand both teams, or at least shed some light on our behaviour. This week I’m talking men. A guide to women will follow shortly. So let’s start by looking at men and sex:
“Men love sex. All of it – silk stocking and suspenders, red lipstick, uninhibited sounds and sights, its smell, and even the wet patch…” (Berman, The Sex Bible).
The concept I explain most often in my consultations with clients is just how much men and women differ; and in order to get couples on the same sexual page, they need to understand themselves and each other better. During sex, men need visual stimulation and physical stimulation. What do I mean by that? Well you guys need to be able to see it and feel it. That’s why porn is so popular (visual), doggy style is the favourite position among men (visual and deep stimulation), and her on top in all her glory (yes ladies, there’s no need to be insecure in this position) is such a turn on (visual). Men are pretty easy to please when it comes to bedroom behaviour, and most men don’t need that much to turn them on. If a guy can see something good or is able to picture it in his mind, and he has firm, lubricated pressure around his penis from a mouth, hand, vagina or anus, he’s generally going to be a happy chap. Obviously if his partner is not giving the impression that their enjoying it, it could detract from the situation, and if he’s stressed, sick, unhappy or disinterested, this general response may not be what you get either.
It’s not all physical for guys – they place high value on emotion too. His emotional connection will be stronger, and therefore lead to more satisfying sex, if he feels like his partner holds him in high esteem, that he is wanted (and needed), and in relationships, that he is loved. Just like women, conflict, lack of intimacy, miscommunications and the like can all affect his sexual experience. Sexual performance is one of the most valued things in life among men, so if their partners are making this a big deal, placing unrealistic expectations or pressure on them, they are going to take a knock in the bedroom.
Taking a look back at the porn situation, a lot of men have grown up with porn as some of their only sexual stimuli, and therefore a lot of guys have some pretty skewed ideas about how women like to be treated during sex (please remember when reading this that I always generalise, hugely…). In porn, women are generally submissive to men, getting cum on their faces, screaming and moaning while being pounded from behind. This, dear boys, is pretty much the furthest thing from reality (most of the time). Yes, the number one female fantasy is being forced into doing sexual acts or to be forced to have sex, but the operative word in that sentence is fantasy – not all girls want to have a penis shoved into their mouths unwillingly, trust me on this. There are the exceptions to the rule, as always, but in general porn has created a false impression of what women (and men) are like in bed. Why do guys want to dominate women? Well I wouldn’t bore you with theory but one could relate it to exerting power, authority or masculinity… or even porn. More on the porn situation here.
One thing that women need to accept is that guys masturbate! All of them! They may do it less when they are in a relationship, but trust me when I say that it is a very healthy, necessary and integral part of sexuality. A lot of women will say to me, “why does he need to masturbate? Doesn’t he want me? Am I not good enough?” Him masturbating actually has very little to do with anyone else – it’s a behaviour that most boys start around the age of 12-14, and will (and should) continue to be a part of life for as long as he is able to; and remember, it helps him establish exactly what technique/ pressure/ pace he likes, which can ultimately benefit you (plus he cannot give himself a blowjob and men generally would take that over masturbating any day). There are major benefits of him masturbating (both for him and his partner) – being both physical and psychological. It does not mean he wants you less or thinks you can’t please him; it’s just something he does, has always done and will always do…
*More on why women should be masturbating in my next post
Men do generally want sex more than women because they have ten times more testosterone than women do and testosterone is the main hormone linked to libido. When it comes to what happens during sex, men are pretty easy and the responses that they go through are generally smooth and straight forward. First, he will feel desire. When he feels desire he will become aroused – both physically (erection, nipples harden, hormones increase etc.) and mentally. Once he’s aroused, he needs adequate stimulation in the form of sight, sound and touch (and sometimes taste). If he gets that, then generally the arousal leads to orgasm and ejaculation. These are actually two separate concepts, and some men ejaculate but don’t have an orgasm, and some men can teach themselves to orgasm but not ejaculate (this is not easy to learn). But either way, general response is orgasm with ejaculation. After he’s experienced this, he should go through the recovery period. I get tons of messages from men asking why they can’t go for a second or third round when they really want to, and the recovery period is why! The blood needs to drain from your penis (the reason you get an erection in the first place is it filling with blood), and your body, hormones etc. need to recover. When you’re in your 20s, this recovery time is often very quick… but sorry to tell you boys it gets longer as you age, so when you’re in your 70s it could be a few days! But you boys are lucky because you find it much easier to disengage from life’s stressors and reach orgasm than women generally do.
Overall men are pretty easy when it comes to sex – desire, stimulation, and bada bing bada boom… orgasm! Of course there can be problems with desire, erections, cuming to quickly or not at all, but these issues can generally be resolved (and that’s most of what my job entails). Want to know more about women? Read my post about understanding her in bed next week…